A lot of people think of different things when they think of October. Some may think of Halloween, some may think of pumpkins, scary movies, or costumes, others may think of Christopher Columbus. I think of all those things plus one more—babies! You see, October is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. During October, we take time to remember those who have lost a baby. Either while in the womb or while the baby was an infant. This awareness is something very dear to my heart.
Statistics say, 1 in 4 women will lose a baby during pregnancy, delivery, or infancy; I am the one in four. I have lost three babies during pregnancy. I was nineteen years old when I first felt the sting of losing a baby. At sixteen weeks pregnant, I was about to find out what the gender was when things took a terrible turn; I ended up at a hospital hearing the worst news of my life; my baby did not have a heartbeat and, I was in labor. My heart sank to the floor; all I could do was cry. You see, I had never held this baby in my hands, I had never kissed that baby’s face, but I loved that baby more than my own life. Unfortunately, this would not be the last time I felt the pain of losing a baby.
After my miscarriage, I got pregnant again, months down the road, and ended up carrying the baby to term. God gave me my precious rainbow baby, Landon. When Landon was a year and a half, I found out I was pregnant again; this was a huge surprise! We were not planning on having another baby quite so soon, but we were still thrilled! Before we could even start picking out names or nursery colors, I started experiencing the same type of symptoms I had with my first miscarriage. A few days later, the doctor confirmed, I had miscarried again. You would think the second go-round would not be as hard as the first, but the pain still cut to the core.
I was twenty-two years old when that wave of pain hit again. I was engaged to my now-husband and was planning a wedding when I found out I was pregnant. We were overjoyed and continued with our wedding plans. About six weeks later, after we returned from our honeymoon, I found out once again, the baby I was carrying had passed. I was devastated. This pain was something I had felt before, and I knew what to expect, but nothing prepares your heart as it breaks for this new life that has slipped through your fingers. All I could think was, it was me. It was my body rejecting my babies. The doctors ran tests but could give me no explanation of why I kept having miscarriages. I honestly thought I might never be able to carry another child to term.
Today as I write this, I can say the Lord has been so good to me. He blessed me with three beautiful children. After my last child, I went in to have my tubes tied. While the doctor was performing the procedure, she noticed I had a lot of scar tissue around my tubes and got concerned. She brought me back into surgery a few weeks later to do a complete removal of my tubes; to check for cancer. I did get good results back from the test, but the doctor said something to me that I’ll never forget. She said I don’t know how you had three babies. You should have never been able to carry a baby with that amount of scar tissue around your tubes. I knew right away where my three blessings came from; It was the one who numbered the stars in the sky and told the ocean how far it could go.
If you are the one in four like me, know that you aren’t alone. I know the pain you have felt and the burden you carry. I wish I could say it gets better, but I will always hurt when I think of my three angel babies. I would love to know what they look like and if they act like me, but I know that they’re in the arms of Jesus, and one day I’ll get to meet them all.